Impulses
by Siara Brandt
Summary: What really drove Shane over the edge and how far had he gone? His obsession with Lori had its roots in the past, but is there another darker, more insidious secret that could threaten the entire group? The answers may ultimately lie in the deepest corners of the human psyche.


Dust motes floated all around him. The drifting particles sparkled as they passed through the rays of sunlight slanting down from the loft. They lost their cleanness and became more dun-colored, more murky as they settled soundlessly on the dirt floor. They were a potent combination of old hay, pollen-laced dust and bird droppings. And contagion.

He sat long in the silence of the barn while his seething emotions churned like some dark, oppressive whirlpool that threatened to pull him down into its depths. In that spiraling vortex of chaotic images, he envisioned yielding to the violent impulses that threatened to consume him. He could not stop them. They came like demons rushing at him out of the darkness that was his subconscious.

Pent-up sexual energy and jealousy were the dominant passions. They fueled another strong emotion. Hatred. A burgeoning hatred for the man who had stepped back into his life and taken everything away from him.

Shane sat unmoving, but his muscles strained against his sweat-stained shirt. His nerves were so tightly wound that both of his hands were clenched into fists. His chest rose and fell with his slow, shallow breaths. Flecks of foam dotted his lips but he was unaware of them. He knew something was happening to him, but he could not stop it. He might have fought it, but he had no will to do so, and he wondered abstractedly when whatever it was would overtake him completely.

His brain had been fighting the infection for some time now, since the first moment he had kicked the door in and entered the barn under a choking cloud of dust and sifting debris. The infection had remained under control until now. Until the primal drivers of rage and lust and hatred had taken over. They started chain-reactions within him. Massive surges of hormones from his adrenal system flooded his body and his brain. Then the organism found an environment where it could flourish and ultimately destroy. Then he started to die.

He was only half aware that each day he lost a little more of himself. Loss came in unrelenting waves that waxed stronger with each passing day. There were moments when he yielded to a kind of madness that came over him because there was so much satisfaction in the yielding. He could give himself over completely to the hatred and the rage then. He could release it all and after each episode, he could not help but think of it as a cleansing. It became almost an addiction.

The natural order of things had reversed itself long ago. Was this not where he was supposed to go? Into this animal-like state, where it was easy to be ruled by such things as strength and dominance? He had killed and coveted and lied. And he had stolen. Another man's wife.

And he had lost her again.

"Goddamn you, Rick," he hissed, breaking yet another rule as his pupils congealed into black pinpoints of hate. "Why didn't you stay dead."

* * *

><p>FOR A LONG TIME AFTER RICK HAD LEFT, Lori sat quietly in her tent. Then she carefully went through the motions of rinsing out the laundry and hanging it up on the line. When she had assured herself that there was no one else around to see her, she got up from her chair. She paused to look at herself in the mirror as she passed by it. Smoothing back her dark hair, she raised her chin slightly and stared at her reflection, tilting her head from one side to the other. She was still confident in her looks. She always had been. They had opened a lot of doors for her in the past. They were still opening doors.<p>

As she crossed the yard, she told herself again that what had happened wasn't her fault. And what she was doing now could not be judged. The rules had changed and they were still changing. How could anyone know exactly what they were anymore? How could anyone condemn her in light of that?

But she was not thinking about rules now. Rick was gone and so she set out with a purpose in mind. To find Shane.

He was working off his nervous energy, ripping nails out of old boards with a frenzy that held her gaze. He always did strenuous activity when he was tense. Like he obviously was right now. When he became aware of her standing there, he stopped his arm mid-pull and turned to face her. She couldn't keep her gaze from straying for a moment. Downward. Maybe to see if she still affected him as she had once affected him with her mere presence.

She had to bite her lips to keep the rogue smile from showing, to hide the glint of triumph in her eyes.

She tossed her hair back over her shoulders and looked straight at him. "I haven't seen you for a while. Are you all right?" she asked.

Dripping with sweat and still breathing hard, he just looked at her. He made no reply.

She tried again. "Have you been avoiding me?"

A deep sigh was his only reply. He tossed the hammer down onto the workbench beside him and shoved his damp hair back from his face with both hands. Then he looked at her. Really looked at her.

In that moment he saw it all, everything he had always wanted to achieve. Acceptance. Success. The unattainable cheerleader in high school, the family he had always wanted. Everything that Rick had been able to attain without effort, while he still stood on the outside looking in through a very narrow, very lonely window. Not quite good enough. Not quite worthy enough. Not even refined enough for a woman like Lori.

With Rick gone, he had finally had his shot at those things. He had become the rescuer, the hero he could never quite be in life. Everything had changed overnight and he had risen to the top of that new world because he had the strength to take what he wanted. And Lori had encouraged him. She had been grateful, eager even.

"Tell me what you're thinking," she urged as if what he said mattered to her.

He looked down at the hand she had just placed on his arm to encourage him to confide in her. Or perhaps to remind him of what they had shared and how close they had been. He suddenly wasn't thinking. He was reacting. To her touch. To the hungry look in _her_ eyes. Or maybe he was only imagining it because that's what he wanted to see there.

In a moment all his doubts vanished like a sun-struck fog. The human, hopeful cells remaining in his brain were telling him that she wanted him. Still. In spite of Rick's ill-timed return.

Lori closed her hand tighter around Shane's bare forearm. She could feel the tightness in the swell of muscles there. She realized he was trembling. Either with lust or with emotion, she couldn't be sure. Perhaps it was a combination of both. Whatever it was, she knew it was centered on _her_. She felt her own surge of need and downright lust. Why wouldn't she, knowing that she could affect him so quickly, so deeply? It was always like this between them. Spontaneous and explosive. It was where her own addiction lay.

This was what she had come for. She didn't acknowledge that consciously, but she knew it somewhere deep inside. Sex with him in this state would be incredible, she knew. But she couldn't act on that. Not now. Not here. But she would take just a little more from him.

"I told myself I would forget you." She said it like it was a battle she wasn't sure of winning. She let her own passion show for a brief moment in her voice and in her eyes, struggling still, and letting him see that struggle.

"I never told myself that. I still want you," he said roughly.

She drew her hand back from his arm and looked aside, as if this was all his doing. "If Rick finds out- "

She tangled him up even more inside. She looked back at him with something he could swear was almost predatory gleaming behind her eyes now. If Rick found out, they would fight again. Over her.

"Rick be damned," he growled.

She drew a deep breath and looked up at him from beneath her lashes. "I think about how- it was between us." Her voice trailed off and she had the grace to lower her eyes demurely. But she looked up at him again and whispered, "Do you ever think about that?"

His jaw was clenched, and the lines about his mouth grew taut with unexpressed emotion. His chest rose as he struggled, but she saw the first signs of surrender in his eyes.

"You know I do," he said in a raspy voice.

He saw a flash of something else in her dark eyes before she quickly veiled it. He knew that underneath it all, she was a lot like he was. In spite of her prim and proper manner.

She closed her eyes and whispered his name.

"Shane," she repeated the same way she would do when he was driving into her and she was near the edge.

He knew at that moment that he couldn't give her up. He was the alpha dog here in this pack. And Rick? He needed to realize that.

"You know this isn't right," she threw her head back and closed her eyes, giving him one last glimpse of the battle she was waging. Right before she fled from the barn.

Shane was fighting his own battle as he watched her hurry away. He wanted to drag her back, throw her down in the hay and convince her that he was the better man, the man she should be with. But right now that wasn't going to happen. Even though he suspected that, deep down, it was what she really wanted. Lori had a ruthless streak. In spite of her protests, she knew what she wanted. She always had. The further something was from her grasp, the more she sought to attain it.

Prey to a lot more frustration than he had been dealing with before, he picked up a two by four and slammed it hard against the wall. The board snapped in two with a vicious snap. He reached for another board and snagged his bare arm on a nail. He swore at his carelessness.

He had cut himself. Deeply. He stared down at his arm and the long, jagged gash where the blood was welling freely. He frowned at the blood dripping from his fingertips. He hadn't felt a thing. Nothing at all.

* * *

><p>LORI FELT A KIND OF EUPHORIA flowing through her veins. On some level she knew what she had done was wrong. But she couldn't seem to be able to help herself where Shane was concerned. That she could still make him want her so badly with so little effort was a heady revelation for her. Wasn't that what all women wanted? Two men fighting over her? To control their actions? Their thoughts? There was little enough compensation in this world and deep down she had been struggling with her physical and emotional needs. There was a time when she almost felt like giving up because she had felt so empty. So out of control. And then Shane had come along.<p>

Of course, she had known for a long time, a very long time, that she could have Shane whenever she wanted him. And eventually she had acted on that knowledge.

She closed her eyes and envisioned his past lovemaking. It had been aggressive, forceful. Shane was a better lover than Rick could ever be. That secret confession didn't make her feel disloyal to Rick. Shane was bold and uninhibited when it came to sex. He had made her feel like the most desirable woman in the world. He still did. She couldn't lie to herself about that.

She had seen the evidence of his arousal in the barn and it had taken everything in her to ignore it. One touch, one acknowledgement, and he would have been on his knees before her. She had always been confident of her power over him, even in high school. Back then, she had quickly learned how easy it was to play both of them to make them jealous of each other. Which put her in the middle. Right where she wanted to be.

She never felt so alive as when both men were fighting over her. Even now the memory caused a little hitch in her breathing. Shane was forbidden fruit and carnal knowledge was a powerful lure. Especially when Rick had not completely fulfilled her expectations.

Her eyes narrowed as she watched Andrea in the distance. She had seen Andrea talking with Shane by the pasture fence yesterday. More than once she had seen them together.

Lori could read the body language. Apparently Andrea was tempted by the forbidden as much as she was. And so her secret hatred of Andrea had grown until she knew she had to do something about the woman.

* * *

><p>SHANE SAW LORI'S SHADOW IN THE WINDOW. Did she know that he was watching her from the darkness? Male heat simmered in his eyes. He felt a stirring below his belt. He'd learned a long time ago that she liked to show off her body. Was that what she was doing now? For him?<p>

His expression changed, became almost feral. Or was it for Rick's benefit? He wondered what she really thought when Rick acted so territorial towards her? His lip curled when he thought about that kiss he had seen them share earlier. Was she purposely trying to drive him over the edge?

He chuckled softly to himself. That wouldn't take much.

He knew Rick suspected something. But Rick wouldn't dare confront Lori with his suspicions. What Rick didn't know was that they had begun their affair even before Rick had been shot. It had only happened once, but it had been hot and it had been heavy. They had tried to resist the attraction they had felt for each other for years. All through high school, in fact. He had kept his distance out of respect for his friendship with Rick. But then, with Rick out of the way, fate took over and things just took their natural course.

But now- His dark thoughts grew even darker. Rick's return was affecting him in ways that he hadn't expected. The deepest part of his subconscious was evidently connecting with an unpleasant past, one that he'd thought he'd buried and forgotten long ago. But apparently that wasn't the case. For he had been remembering how his own father had made him feel weak and helpless, too.

His hands closed around a branch over his head. His fingers tightened around the rough bark until he snapped the branch in two. He was a grown man now, with a grown man's strength, and he vowed to himself that he would not be pushed around again. And no one would take anything away from him. Not in this world.

A humorless snort left him. When Rick learned what he was about to do, he would have to take some kind of action. He wouldn't have any choice there. He couldn't help smiling to himself when he thought of Rick's reaction.

There would be a confrontation. A violent one. He threw his head back, stared up at the moon shining through the branches and drew a deep breath just thinking about it. He would punish the man for not appreciating all the sacrifices he had made in the name of friendship. He would punish him badly.

* * *

><p>RICK SAT IN THE DINING ROOM, talking privately with Hershel.<p>

"I don't see any evidence whatsoever that we're all infected," Hershel said, continuing the conversation that they had begun earlier.

"Maybe you've missed something," Rick suggested as he picked up his coffee cup.

"I don't see how I could have done that," Hershel replied. "Of course I don't have access to a high-tech lab like the one at the CDC, but there should be _something _to see.

"If we're all infected," Hershel went on. "There has to be some reason why the walkers show symptoms and we don't. Are you sure the man was telling you the truth?"

"I've wondered about that myself," Rick said quietly as he cradled his hands around his cup. He didn't want their conversation to be overheard by anyone else that might be in the house. He thought they were alone, but that could change.

"I don't know what more I can do," Hershel went on. "Unless I can compare a normal brain with one from a walker. That might tell me something. That's still how they- that's how they _used_ to test for rabies."

They both knew there was no chance of that happening unless someone died of natural causes. Maybe an accident of some sort.

"If we could develop some kind of vaccine- " Hershel began, but then he shook his head doubtfully.

"Do you even know how to do that?"

"No, but I have a library full of medical books."

But no volunteers for experiments, Rick thought to himself. He was sure Hershel had thought of the same thing.

Rick finally pushed away from the table. "I'd better get back outside. Lori and I have a lot of catching up to do."

Hershel watched the doorway where Rick had disappeared. They were fighting a war. Underneath it was the same war mankind had always fought. Whoever led them would take them down one of two paths. Rick was a reluctant leader at best and he was going to be put to the test. In more ways than one. He was young and he had a lot to learn. Hershel hoped that he knew enough to keep them all safe.

* * *

><p>SHANE PULLED THE CLOTH OFF OF the boy's head and stared silently down at him. He didn't remove the handcuffs but he checked to make sure that they were still secure. His breath left him in a short laugh when he saw the blood. He must have been working at the handcuffs for hours to cause so much damage to his wrists. Desperation was a great motivator.<p>

He placed his booted foot against the boy's chest and shoved him back against the barn wall. Not ungently, but just to get his attention. He got a sullen glare for his efforts.

He pulled up a chair and sat down. The bloody, swollen features before him didn't affect him in the least. He felt no inclination toward compassion or mercy. The boy had merely become a pawn in his power struggle with Rick. That was the kid's misfortune. Not his.

He had already decided on his course of action. He would not be swayed. He would not be stopped. In fact, he looked forward to its climax with eager anticipation, excitement even, so strong was his blood lust now.

His talk with Lori had only inflamed him further. She gave him signals. She surely did. Even now.

For a moment, as a renewed surge of hormones flooded his body and his brain, he felt reality slipping away from him. It was happening more often now. He fought his way back, shook himself mentally, and hung his head for long, dizzying moments while a thin string of drool escaped his lips.

His breath grew fast and shallow till he was almost panting like a dog. In fact he heard himself growl. It confused him for a moment, before he realized that the sound had come from his own throat. He looked around, focused on a small feather drifting down with the dust and by degrees was able to draw himself back again.

He wiped the drool away with the back of his hand. He would be clever and cunning, he reminded himself, refocusing. Just like a cat playing with a tiny, helpless mouse. He would not pounce until the last moment when it was least expected. He even smiled thinking about that final moment when the boy's life would be extinguished by his own hands. He looked forward to it. As any hunter would.

He stood, shoved the chair away and then dragged the boy to his feet. "Let's go."


End file.
